From: EFF <eff@dev.null>
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 08:16:50 +0800
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Subject: Bill Gates gives 1 Billion to EFF!
Message-ID: <34231402.11DD@dev.null>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain



[EFF - Bienfait, Saskatchewan] News Release:

         Gates Gives Gargantuan Gift to Gullability Grifters!
         ----------------------------------------------------
 In a suprise announcement this afternoon, Bill Gates announced that he
would be donating a billion dollars over the next ten years to the
Electronic Forgery Foundation, for use in promoting CypherPunks Action
Projects.

 Gates emphasized that this plan had been in preparation for quite some
time, and was not a response to the publicity-seeking Ted Turner's
challenge to the rich and notorious. He also pointed out that he, unlike
Turner, had nothing but the most self-serving of intentions.
 "I have asked that none of the money go directly to the projects, but
only toward the administration of the CypherPunks Action Projects." he
stated. "I expect that the CAP's will become rather top-heavy and, being
overseen by the Electronic Forgery Foundation, will be able to compete 
with the sheer volume of lies that the government uses to suppress free
speech and liberty in the U.S.

  Chief CypherPunks Spokesperson, TruthMonger, thanked Gates profusely 
for the gift, babbling and drooling at times, while accepting the first
check and handing Gates an envelope about the size needed to contain
photographic negatives. Gates immediately burned the envelope.
  TruthMonger stated that he had met with the EFF Board of Directors,
including ? the Lunatic, Toto, The Real Guy, and A Player To Be Named
Later, and that all of them had been anonymous in agreeing that the
first order of business would be to purchase a liquor store from which
to run the CypherPunks Action Projects.
  TruthMonger then put on an aluminum foil hat and, addressing the
crowd as ? the Lunatic, said, "We will naturally be replacing the
staff of the liquor stores with people more in tune with the goals of
the CypherPunks.", adding that he had already put out some 'feelers'
at local tit-bars in this regard.

  Bill Gates explained that a top-heavy disorganization, such as he
envisioned with the EFF running the CAPs, would stand a good chance
of becoming a self-feeding monster which could promote strong crypto
at the same time as bending the multitudes to do his bidding as the
year 2000 elections approached.
  When asked by a reporter if he was the Anti-Christ, Gates grinned
and replied, "I could tell you...but then I'd have to burn you in
Hell, forever."

  Reporters were quick to ask the EFF directors how they planned to
protect their forseen rise in power and influence from being sabotaged
by veteran CypherPunks who might use strong encryption to thwart the
attempts of Big Money to harness their reputation capital to promote
their own agenda.
  Taking off the aluminum hat and whipping out his dick, The Real Guy
stated, "Well, of course we will have to forbid use of non-GAK'ed 
cryto by EFF employees, in the interests of Foundation Security. Or,
alternatively, we may limit the use of encryption by our employees to
8-bit crypto products." Smiling sheepishly, he added, "We're not real
good at math."

  At this point, shots rang out from the window of a nearby building,
as well as from a grassy knoll and several other places, dropping many
of those gathered at the press conference like flies.
  As Gates and TruthMonger made their getaway in an armored limousene,
several CypherPunks were heard arguing on the grassy knoll as to whether
it had been a mistake to shoot the lawyers first.

  A later memo to the press from MicroSoft indicated that the official
announcement of the donation would be released in an upcoming chapter
of "InfoWar (Part III of the True Story of the InterNet), written by
Bill Gates, himself.
  When asked about the possibility of Gates having presented the EFF 
with a forged check, sources at MicroSoft merely giggled.

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This announcement is copyrighted under the auspices of the Electronic
Forgery Foundation. Any misuse or misquoting of the announcement will
be considered par for the course.
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