From: lmccarth@freya.cs.umass.edu
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 94 18:13:52 PST
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Subject: The Emperor's New Brain (fwd)
Message-ID: <199412040218.VAA12370@bb.hks.net>
MIME-Version: 1.0
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Sincere apologies if someone's sent this to the list before....

Forwarded message:
> This comes to you courtesy of Del's friend Joe Levy:
> 
> Would you all mind distributing this as much as possible?  I, and every
> net-surfer who is concerned about her/his rights, are trying to stop Big
> Brother from taking over, and need all the help we can get.  There may be more
> serious letters later on.  For now, just enjoy a slightly ridiculous one.  All
> the best, and don't get struck by flying pygmies, as always.
>                                                          Forever,
>                                                                Joe
> 
> 
>                      The Emperor's New Brain
>                       by Blimix (Joe Levy)
> 
>           (With apologies to Hans Christian Anderson.)
> 
>      Once upon a time, there was an Emperor.  He had been voted
> into office fairly easily, because he had managed to impress people
> with his brain.  But once he realized that the job demanded more,
> he said, "My brain is too small!"  So he had posters hung on every
> blank wall in the kingdom, proclaiming the need for skilled neural
> surgeons/tailors to weave him a new, better, bigger brain.  "Soon,"
> he thought, "I will have a good brain and will be able to govern my
> empire properly, and all the people will love me, and I'll be so
> cool that there'll be chicks hanging around me all the time...
> Maybe I'll even get a car, or put up the bestest BBS in the
> world..." and so on.  What he didn't know what that he was saying
> all of this out loud, and that a small band of rogues had been
> shadowing him for the duration of his monologue.  When the Emperor
> had left to pursue other activities, due to the rather self-
> exciting nature of his mostly derailed train of thought, the rogues
> spoke amongst themselves.
>      "Will you listen to that, mate?" commented NSA.  "The poor
> chap really hasn't got a clue!"
>      "Yeah, let's put him out of our misery," remarked FBI.
>      "Be quiet, will you?" said CIA.  "You dolt, don't you see the
> prospects here?  We can rule this place.  NSA and NIST have the
> plan.  Where is NIST, anyway?"
>      "He'll be along, shortly.  He had some business with that
> hotshot DES.  Chopped half of DES's - thing - off, he did.  Ugly
> business," replied NSA.
> 
>                              *  *  *
> 
>      "Sire, there are some important-looking men to see you," said
> the page.
>      The Emperor jumped.  "What?!?  Oh!  Okay, I'll be down
> shortly.  Um, you didn't... see anything... did you?"
>      "No, Sire," the page replied immediately.
>     The Emperor left to wash his hand.
> 
>                              *  *  *
> 
>      "You mean you can weave a tremendous brain for me if I just
> bring you all the doors, window blinds and roofs in the kingdom,
> using your Clippers?"
>      "Yeah, but there's also the matter of payment," said CIA.
>      NSA spoke.  "We understand that you have, in the castle
> vaults, a supply of magical potions of growth.  Those will do
> nicely."
>      "But those are the only ones in the kingdom!  We have saved
> them since the days of my great-great-great-great-grandmother,
> what's-her-name!"
>      FBI stood to his full, rather impressive height, and looked
> down at the suddenly small-feeling Emperor.  "This is what's best
> for the kingdom, isn't it?  You need a brain, and we need the
> potions.  Do you really want to argue?"
>      "Uh... of course not." was the meek response.
>      "Good.  Now that that's settled-" began NSA.
>      "But what if the peasants want to keep their roofs and doors
> and blinds?" interrupted the Emperor.
>      NSA confidently replied, "They won't.  We'll make sure that
> they know it's all for the common good.  Besides, those things are
> only needed to conceal things.  People who have nothing to hide
> have no cause to resent this, do they?  Besides, if against all
> likelihood, our idea is rejected by the public, we can simply put
> everything that we took away back again.  And don't think for a
> moment that we would be looking into the houses of innocents.  No,
> we can help you take care of your subjects.  They will look up to
> us as kindly Big Brothers."
>      "I'm quite capable of taking care of the kingdom myself,"
> asserted the Emperor.
>      "Nonsense," CIA remarked.  "We're the ones building you this
> brain, right?"
>      "Right," the Emperor acquiesced, though he wasn't quite sure
> that the conclusion followed logically from this.  He felt there
> was something slightly wrong, but since he could not tell what, he
> decided not to risk making a fool of himself.
>      "Then we can begin!" roared FBI.
> 
>                              *  *  *
> 
>      At the scoundrels' insistence, the Emperor ordered every
> construction worker in the kingdom to work on the dismantling of
> the houses, using their new Clippers.  Thus did the infrastructure
> suffer, as roads crumbled, and prices rose, while the economy began
> a slow but accelerating collapse.  Just inside the castle, a ragged
> collection of peasants met with the Emperor.
>      "Why are your goons doing this to us?" cried one woman.  "I
> can't get to work anymore!"
>     And old man spoke up.  "Without a roof, we can't keep the
> rains off of us!  My whole family has pneumonia!"  Several others
> shouted their agreement.
>      "I was willing to sacrifice for the kingdom," lamented a
> former merchant.  "I willingly gave them all of my wood, and put up
> paper instead.  They ripped it down!  And they didn't even use it!
> They just said I couldn't have anything covering me."
>      "I'm sure there are perfectly reasonable explanations for all
> of this."
>      Suddenly four towering figures entered, and herded the
> peasants outside.  "There's no such thing as rain!  Stop
> complaining!"  A few families were trampled during the confusion,
> but no one noticed.
> 
>                              *  *  *
> 
>      It was only a week later that the smoke was first seen.
> Behind the castle, the tremendous stockpiles of collected wood were
> being burned.
>      "My kingdom is collapsing!" cried the Emperor.
>      "And we know why!" exclaimed FBI.  "There are secret societies
> of witches that oppose us.  But our spies, KGB and Mccarthy, have
> been rooting them out.  That is what the fires are for."
>      "But you're burning the wood that you said you would save!"
>      "SO WHAT?!?!?!?"
>      "Okay, as long as you put it that way.  What about my brain?"
>      This caught FBI by surprise, for he had completely forgotten
> about the deal.  Luckily, CIA happened to be in the room, and
> glibly replied, "The chemical reactions going on right now are the
> final processes in the construction of the brain."
>      "Oh, goody."  The prospect of the new brain cheered up the
> Emperor, and he forgot about his dying kingdom.
> 
>                              *  *  *
> 
>      Witch-burnings were becoming common.  The rogues, now grown to
> immense size, regularly reached into houses, plucking out the
> occupants, and placed them on the huge bonfires.  The first ones
> taken, of course, were the poor peasants who had originally spoken
> up.  Then, anyone who had a brain was considered a potential
> threat, and made into a scapegoat.
>      "What did this woman do that makes you believe she's a witch?"
> the Emperor asked.
>      FBI replied, "She turned me into a n-"
>      "Shut up," said NSA.  "We discovered a rumor about strange
> activities going on in her house.  We checked it out, and surely
> enough, we found this."  He triumphantly held up a rather well-
> executed painting of a swan launching itself into flight from an
> alpine lake.
>      "What is its relevance to witchcraft?"
>      NSA began, "First, the canvas can be used to shield her from
> sight, so she obviously has something to hide.  Also, the drawing
> itself is obviously a dangerous example of freedom propaganda.  As
> we all know, freedom cannot be tolerated.  We also intercepted this
> letter from her to her band.  It proves that she and the twenty
> other people named here are witches."
>      Working her mouth free of the gag, the woman cried, "I didn't
> write that!  It's not even in my hand-"  FBI cut off her protest by
> flinging her into the blazing conflagration.
> 
>                              *  *  *
> 
>      NSA congratulated his friends.  "Well, lads, we've made a
> killing.  Besides having the power to do whatever we want to
> whomever we want, our Clippers are selling like wildfire, since
> they're the only product that anyone is allowed to buy now.  Can
> you believe we actually managed to convince people that those
> things are useful?"  They all laughed heartily at this.  "It's
> probably time to invite the Emperor back into the castle."
>      At their call, his Excellency dutifully entered.  "We finished
> your brain last night, and implanted it while you were sleeping in
> the stables," claimed CIA.  "It is indeed huge, and, being made
> from pure energy (released by the burning wood), weighs virtually
> nothing.  We fashioned it in such a way that only a person without
> personal problems can see it, so that you may judge this
> characteristic in people with ease."
>      FBI held up a mirror to facilitate the Emperor's viewing of
> his new brain.  "How do you like it?"
>      Though he saw nothing but his own reflection, he said, "It is
> a good brain.  I like the laurels particularly.  Let's hold a
> parade, so that all may see The Emperor's New Brain!"
> 
>                              *  *  *
> 
>      And so it was.  The day came, and the broken people trudged
> through the pitted streets to finally view the great result of
> their even greater sacrifice.  As they waited expectantly for the
> parade train, they wondered, "Was the loss of our privacy and
> freedom of thought worth a slightly more effective government?"
> But they could do nothing more than wonder, for to speak thusly
> would mean certain death.  So, they mutely held their only
> possessions, the Clippers, which had been the instruments of their
> downfall.
>      A wave of excitement swept through the crowd, as the arrival
> of the parade was heralded.  All knew of the wondrous properties
> that the Brain possessed, and were eager to see it for themselves.
> As the crowd held its breath, the Emperor came into view.  And no
> one was surprised that they could not see the brain, because they
> knew perfectly well that they had problems.  But this could not be
> admitted.  Words of praise floated through the air.  "How regal it
> is!"  "That brain is huge!"  "I like the color scheme."  "Now he'll
> be able to solve all of our problems."
>      "That brain doesn't exist," said a junior programmer.
>      "Well, neither do we," said a philosopher.
>      "No, I mean it!  There's no brain there!" the programmer
> insisted.  And gradually, the crowd became aware of the truth of
> his words.
>      "The Emperor doesn't have a brain!" they all shouted.  They
> picked up fragments of concrete that had once been a sidewalk, and
> started throwing them.  Luckily for the Emperor, this behavior was
> quelled when FBI stepped on the offending parties.
>      The survivors were too weak, due to lack of protection from
> the elements, to fight back.  And while the all-powerful villains
> lived comfortably for the rest of their lives, a nation died.
> 
>   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
> 
>      "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little
> temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin
> Franklin
> 
>      Don't let Clipper be YOUR downfall.  Learn as much as you can,
> than do whatever you can to educate others, and let your
> representatives and senators know how you feel.  Wired is a good
> source of information.  Read the April issue.  Or gopher to
> wired.com to see their database.  Lazarus Long and I will be
> putting up Clipper-dedicated databases of our own.  (More
> information to follow.)
> 
>                           Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Byd,
>                                           Blimix
>                                           jl0637@rachel.albany.edu
> 
> p.s.  Please feel free to distribute this story at will.  I merely
> ask that you do not change or delete any part of it, from the title
> line to this post-script.
> - --
> Adam Lindsey Jacobs                 |   "Thinking is the hardest work
> bullfrog@jaflrn.morse.net           |      there is, which is probably the
> Long Island, New York, U.S.A.       |        reason why so few engage in it."
- ---
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