From: shiftcontrol@nml.guardian.co.uk (Shift Control)
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 1997 00:50:26 -0800 (PST)
To: shiftcontrol@nml.guardian.co.uk
Subject: Resurrect yourself
Message-ID: <v01530505af60644bead1@[194.205.4.69]>
MIME-Version: 1.0
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In this week's Easter Fools' Issue of Shift Control:

"Not only did Christ not die on the cross, but his body was never placed in
the tomb at Golgotha. Indeed, by the infamous "third day" Christ had most
likely already rounded the Italian coast and was, for all we know,
exchanging anecdotes with Sardinian crab merchants." - Paul Robinson on the
imminent resurrection of Jesus's freshly discovered remains.

"The post-war baby-boomer generation keeps getting ever more wistful for
its lost youth. Bowie begat Suede; the Beatles and the Small Faces begat
Brit pop; Rod Stewart begat everything in a skirt in the Seventies and
these days his torch is carried by Mark Morrison." - Robin Hunt on the
resurrection of nostalgia.

"Identical lambs are gambolling in the fields. Six-legged featherless
chickens are hatching from their eggs. Piglets ready to offer their organs
for every transplant need are snuffling in the new grass. A herd of calves
trot happily to the slaughterhouse. It's Easter, time of regeneration and
renewal, and all is well with the world." - Bronwen Davies on genetic
manipulation and cloning: resurrection for the Nineties.

"The gods we buried previously now arise as green shoots and come into
their own at the harvest. We drink their blood and eat their flesh when we
pass around the wine, beer, bread and cakes in the glorious evenings of
autumn. For pagans the deities symbolise the fruits of the year -
Christianity, for some reason, chose to reverse this." - Druid Steve Wilson
on resurrection, pagan-style

"There are a number of things I would require of anyone who would be able
to clone me. I would first require that he make two clones instead of one.
Next, I would demand that neither of these cloned boys be circumcised. I
was and although I do not remember the experience I do well remember when I
had my tonsils taken out." - Robert Nicolai on how he should be resurrected
through cloning.

Also this week:

Your chance to win 200 quid in our fiction competition; more memoirs from
Freebee the rock 'n' roll bee; and our latest quiz: how wild are you about
Jesus?

All this and more, waiting and willing at:

http://www.shiftcontrol.com
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