From: Bubba Rom Dos <bubba@dev.null>
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 19:18:43 -0800 (PST)
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Subject: WebWorld 23
Message-ID: <33407EA8.320@dev.null>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/html

Title: The True Story of the InterNet







The True Story of the InterNet

Part II


WebWorld & the Mythical 'Circle of Eunuchs'


by Arnold


Copyright 1995, 1996, 1997 Pearl Publishing


Toast


"No! We can't just leave
him there. We have to do something. We just have
to."

Alexis was inconsolable, and not without
good reason.

Priscilla gave up trying to console Alexis.
She gave up trying to explain why it was necessary, absolutely
necessary, to leave the Cowboy exactly where he was, and to make
no attempt, whatsoever, to rescue him, or even to communicate
with him.
The truth was, Priscilla didn't fully understand just why
this was so, any more than her daughter did.
"Uncle Bubba," she said, in exasperation, "why
don't you, being the wise, old sage that you are, get your
goddamn head out of the bottle, and come and deal with this mess
that you created."

Bubba, to be quite fair, was not drinking
recreationally in this great time of crisis, but was, in fact,
imbibing only a wee bit of the 'hair of the dog', for survival
purposes only.

After sending his 'niece' and her mother
away to prepare for the Cowboy's imminent return (in reality,
to spirit them out of harm's way), Bubba had spent the rest of
the preceding evening celebrating the upcoming 'happy occasion'
he had exuberantly announced, being extremely generous in proffering
great amounts of liquid libations on his fellow patrons at the
Broken Spoke Saloon, and partaking liberally of the refreshments
himself, as was his custom during celebrations of this nature.

Since he was undoubtedly in great danger
during these festivities, as he was quick to let everyone know
upon his return in an extremely wretched state, it was incumbent
upon him to play his role to the fullest, convincing one and all
that he was indeed enjoying an evening filled with drunken
debauchery and uninhibited carousing.
Though it caused pained expressions of disbelief, from all who
were gathered in his private 'safe house', that he should be professing
martyrdom for engaging in his favorite activity, the shit didn't
really hit the fan until he boldly announced, much to everyone's
surprise and consternation that, "With the Cowboy trapped
in the unbreakable grasp of Gomez, facing certain destruction
should he make one wrong move, I was drinking for two,
naturally."

Even the less socially astute observers,
including those with no innate knowledge of the human psyche,
had no trouble figuring out that this was the last thing
that a thirteen (almost) year-old girl-forced into an early womanhood
less than twenty-four hours previously, after discovering the
'love of her life'-needed to hear, was that her pre-destined life-mate
was in the process of having his mind "become a side-dish
on the Evil One's breakfast plate.", as Bubba added, after
hawking up several generous portions of the previous evenings
libations, "courtesy of Gomez's grateful minions at Nuthouse
Number Nine, Looney Level 'Leven."

As poor, sweet Alexis was thrown into the
throes of desolate hysteria by this announcement, the others gathered
together in the room shot Bubba a collective glance of disgust
that suggested that he might as well have 'broken into' the fantasies
she had been engaged in concerning the upcoming 'wedding' that
'Uncle' Bubba had so boldly announced, much to her surprise, and
crapped on the beautiful wedding cake that she was preparing for
the occasion in her sweet, innocent, young mind.
Bubba knew that there were going to be even less pleased with
what he was about to do, and he was not looking forward
to it, in the least, but it was something that had to be done.
He knew that much of her pain was from her connection with the
Cowboy giving her a sense of what he was going through,
and that she needed to be able to face it completely in
order to deal with the true reality of the situation.

He walked slowly over to Alexis, put a gentle,
fatherly hand around her shoulder, let out a vile, disgusting
belch, and said,
"Alexis, just try to think of him as a sorry, insane loser
named 'Arnold', who is going to get a total shit-kicking for not
having any better sense than to mess with his captors."

Alexis stared at Bubba in shocked disbelief,
as he added,
"Schultz is going to kick his sorry ass, morning, noon and
night, until the day that Gomez calls for his head on a silver
platter."

Alexis went 'nuclear' at this point, launching
a physical attack on Bubba that took a back seat to none of the
beatings that his ancestors had endured, and he spent the periods
between blows wondering why it was that his whole lineage had
seemed predestined to be their most useful while undergoing savage
physical attacks on their person. When the rain of blows ceased,
there was a short pause, and then Alexis threw her arms around
him, blubbering, like a baby,
"Oh, Bubba, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know it's not
your fault."

She stood back momentarily, then began to
laugh, and said,
"Not bad for a twelve year-old girl, huh?"

The small group that had gathered around
them to watch, astounded by both of them, let out a belly-laugh
at her astuteness in reverting to her real age in order
to make her sound beating of the old buzzard all that more impressive.

Bubba, however, was generous in his defeat,
replying,
"Not bad for a warlord-in the prime of life!"

Everyone had another good belly-laugh, Bubba
included, and he and Alexis strode hand-in-hand to a back room
to talk in private.


"Why, Bubba? Why must we do nothing?
If you say it is so, then I can accept that, but I cannot live
without knowing why."

Bubba sat for a few minutes, in quiet contemplation,
and then began,
"For the good of all, it is best that you do not know. For
your own personal good, however, it is best that I tell you. And,
in my own mind, at least, there is no good for the collective
that can come at the expense of its individuals. So I will tell
you why we must do nothing to save the Cowboy, although remaining
inactive in this matter goes completely against the grain of common
sense and reasonable caution."

Bubba thought for a moment, then added,

"Although, to tell the truth, I get the sense that if the
Cowboy is indeed 'Shooting the Moon', and challenging Gomez to
lay his balls on the table with the "Winner's Bluff"
gambit...", Alexis was nodding as Bubba spoke, following
and understanding the matters that he was speaking of, but she
grew positively wide-eyed in astonishment when he couldn't resist
adding, with a laugh, "and doing so without holding a winning
hand..."

"There is no 'Magic Circle'?",
Alexis almost cried out, in amazement? "He doesn't have
the 'Bitch'?"

"Shhh!", Bubba admonished her
sternly, " No one must know this-not even you."


They both laughed out uproariously at this
absurd statement, given the fact that Bubba was already 'spilling
the beans' to her, at the same time that he was instinctively
reaching for the bottle of 'Bubba's Private Reserve' in the cupboard
behind him, knowing that if one was about to embark upon a journey
beyond the bounds of reason and discretion, that one might as
well, 'go the whole hog, including the postage', as one of his
earliest ancestors used to proclaim.

Alexis leaned over and reached behind Bubba
to get a shot-glass for herself.
"No need to 'abuse' yourself by 'drinking for two'.",
she told him. "I'll carry the Cowboy's share of the load."

Her reference to the Cowboy brought them
back to the true sobriety of the situation, and their glasses
rose in silent toast to him, and Bubba started to continue, but
Alexis cut him off, asking,
"Bubba, after you had 'thrown in' your hand, conceding defeat,
and I told you that it was your turn to play, you realized,
immediately, that you'd been 'had', didn't you?"

"Of course.", Bubba replied with
an air that left no doubt that only a 'fool' would have to have
it pointed out to him that he'd just been made a 'fool' of.

"But you had to look, didn't
you? You held the Queen of Spades in your hand the whole game,
you knew that you had it, but after getting 'suckered'
into conceding it to me, and realizing your mistake, too late,
you still had to look, like a 'rookie' fool, to truly believe
that you had indeed been such a complete idiot."

"As old, and wise, and wily as I am,"
Bubba, agreed with her, pleased that she had come to a clear understanding
of just what had taken place, without his having to 'explain'
it to her, "I fell, hook, line and sinker, like the freshest
of 'rubes' falling off of the eternally proverbial 'turnip truck'."

"And as old, and wise, and humble as I truly am,"
he continued, "I still had to look at that
card in order for my ego to believe that it was indeed possible
for such a great, magnificent being such as myself to be such
a sorry, pathetic, fool of a man." He paused, and smiled
at Alexis, adding profoundly, "And likewise, I am sure, is
the present position of our new, beloved ally-Gomez." 

"Why was I instructed to begin calling
you 'Uncle' Bubba?", Alexis wanted to know.

"Because, I am assuming, with certainty,
the 'Queen of Clubs' that the Cowboy 'passed off' as the 'Bitch'
to Gomez, throwing him off-balance and setting him up for the
'fall', was 'Uncle' Bubba D'Shauneaux. The Cowboy passed himself
off as a 'nephew', by lineage, of Vice-Admiral D'Shauneaux."

"But," Alexis seemed confused,
"D'Shauneaux lived and died over a century, ago, so how could
that ruse possibly threaten...", her voice trailed off
as she began to recognize the common threads between the life
of the Cowboy, and that of Bubba, whose history she knew exceedingly
well. Bubba linked the threads together for her, just the same.



"You know, of course, that when I speak,
I speak for my lineage, as well as for myself. When I tell people
that I was at the original, allegorical meeting of the
legendary, mythical group known as the 'Circle of Eunuchs', it
is because I AM Bubba Rom Dos I, and the II, and so on right up
to today, as Bubba Rom Dos VI.
"The Cowboy is of a parallel lineage, but one with a significant
difference."

Alexis sat up and paid close attention to
Bubba's every word, knowing that this might be the only opportunity
she would ever have to learn the history of, and in this way,
perhaps grow somehow closer to, a life-mate in her current path
of destiny who she would probably never again encounter, losing
him less than a single day after recognizing his special place
in her life. She grew sad at the thought.

Bubba, either wishing to lift her out of
her momentary depression, or just being an ornery old buzzard
by nature, reminded her, as if continuing her own inner train
of thought,
"...and who last gazed upon your youthful beauty as if
you were an 'odd sock' that somehow ended up in his laundry by
mistake, and he didn't know what to do with you."

"Shut up you old buzzard." Alexis
poked him in the ribs, grabbed the bottle, poured herself a shot,
knocked it back with a flourish, uttered, disgustedly, "Men...",
and sat, waiting for him to continue.

"As I was saying," Bubba continued,
smiling smugly, "his lineage differed from mine in one very
important respect. Namely-to all outward appearances-it
didn't exist."

Alexis was transfixed, once again, on his
every word.

"You know, of course, of the myths
that run 'in the midst of' the myths surrounding the Magic Circle,
and of the legends 'running parallel to' the legend of the 'Circle
of Eunuchs'. In particular, I am speaking of the 'rumors' that
link the lineage of the Fool to that of the Head Hacker, and to
the GrandMaster, et al."

Alexis nodded her head, knowing that there
were differing 'versions' of these parts of the legends, none
of them taken too seriously.

"These parts of the legend have been
purposely 'diluted' so as to give an 'indication' of the truth
of the matter, while remaining 'will 'o wisp' enough in their
nature so as not to draw too much serious attention to them. The
reason for this is because the 'indications' are, in fact, indicative
of the 'truth' of the matter-the connection between the Head Hacker
and the Fool is just as real and lasting as the lineage of Rom
Dos.
"And who do you think, my dear, is the current representative
of this 'secret' lineage?", Bubba teased Alexis playfully,
and she loved it, responding with the youthful enthusiasm of the
child she still remained, in many respects.

"The Cowboy, Bubba.", Alexis said,
bouncing where she sat, with joy, hardly able to contain herself.
"It's the Cowboy."

"And who do you think was the founder
of this particular lineage in the mythical 'Circle of Eunuchs'?",
Bubba asked her, knowing that she would not take long in solving
the 'puzzle'.

Alexis looked perplexed for a moment, knowing
that there was nothing at all in the legend that dealt with any
rumored linkage of this lineage pre-dating the Head Hacker. So
the answer must lie with the Cowboy himself...and...
"The 'Parker Paradox'.", Alexis stared, in wonderment,
unable to believe what must surely be true. "The lineage
started with the man who started it all, who authored 'The Xenix
Chainsaw Massacre', the book that began the legend of the 'Circle
of Eunuchs'."

"C.J. Parker.", Bubba said, in
confirmation. The founder of the lineage of the Author.

"But he died!", Alexis
proclaimed, then added, tentatively, "Didn't he?"

Bubba sat, in quiet contemplation, for several
minutes, and then looked deeply into Alexis' eyes as he said to
her, with an air of great mystery,
"Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps...though it happened over
a hundred years ago, long in the past...perhaps it has not
yet been decided."


Alexis sat, spellbound, for several moments,
until Bubba handed her a slip of paper passed down to him by his
ancestors-a slip of paper on which was written the wisdom of the
Fool.

"The Power of Myth is the cornerstone
of the 'Inaugural Enigma'. Mythos is the 'Black Bitch'
of the universe...it's the wildcard in the game of life."



Alexis looked questioningly at Bubba, who
merely smiled, and shrugged his shoulders, indicating that he
was truly as mystified as she was on this point.

"I don't know, Alexis. I truly don't
know." He paused to sip his drink quietly, then continued,
once again.
"It could be that C.J. Parker did, in fact, somehow survive.
Or it could be that the lineage has been continued, unbroken,
by a succession of individuals who have picked up the torch each
time it has fallen, and assumed the mantle of the lineage of the
true founder of the mythical 'Circle of Eunuchs'. Or perhaps the
true answer to this question has yet, through the Power of Myth,
to be determined.

"But one thing is certain...",
Bubba took Alexis gently by the hand, as he explained,

"The Cowboy has revealed himself to
Gomez as a true descendant of the lineage of the Author. This
means that Gomez will have been proclaimed, by the Cowboy, to
have failed in extracting his measure of revenge against the individual
who launched a movement that has dogged the Dark Forces' heels
for over a century, and has been the personal nemesis of Gomez
and the Evil One, himself.
"Gomez's revenge upon his chief enemy now falls upon the
shoulders of the current representative of the lineage of the
Author...the Cowboy."

Alexis' stoic acceptance of the truth concerning
the Cowboy's situation earned her Bubba's eternal respect, from
that moment forward, and he knew that he need not hide nor shade
the remainder of his explanation to any degree, whatsoever. He
was now 'duty-bound' to deliver the whole truth, as it existed.

"If you think back to our final game
of 'Pitch with the Bitch', I think you will realize that the Cowboy
taunted Gomez to a degree that, no doubt, drove him 'over the
edge', and guaranteed the Cowboy a death more terrible and painful
than most men could ever imagine...", Bubba paused for
a moment, to keep his voice from choking, "but he also bought
himself, and the rest of us, a small amount of time, by playing
a 'card' that he didn't truly hold."

"Uncle Bubba.", Alexis said, automatically,
and waited for Bubba to continue.

" That's right, Alexis. He has declared
his lineage to be linked by blood to the lineage of Vice-Admirable
D'Shauneaux. Were this actually true-and Gomez will be forced
to make absolutely certain that it is not true before
proceeding-then Gomez's 'tit' would be 'in a wringer', as they
used to say in those days, at least as far as the InterNet is
concerned."

"Why is that?", Alexis asked,
momentarily puzzled.

"Have you ever noticed a 'discrepancy',"
Bubba asked her, "between the 'legend' as we know it, and
the 'Addendum' to 'The Xenix Chainsaw Massacre'?"

Alexis' eyes lit up, immediately.
"Yes, yes. There was always something that felt somehow
out of place, and I could never quite put my finger on it before,
but it seems so glaringly blatant, now.", she replied, excitedly.

"In the 'legend', the Vice-Admiral is oblivious to the role
played by his long-time friend, C.J. Parker, until after
'Operation Eunuchs' has tracked him down and discovered his body.
At that point, he takes over Pearl Harbor Computers, in order
to warn the Magic Circle to steer clear of himself. But in the
'Addendum' to TXCSM, he talks of having participated in the formation
of the company, from its very inception."

"Exactly!", Bubba confirmed. 

"D'Shauneaux added this 'twist' to the 'Addendum', with the
idea of planting a seed in the mind of Gomez that perhaps D'Shauneaux
had been an 'agent' of the 'Circle of Eunuchs' all along. If this
had been the case, then it would have meant that the InterNet
had been seriously compromised, over an extended period of time,
due to Vice-Admiral D'Shauneaux's position as Head of Security
for the entire InterNet, and the 'Net would have to be torn down
and rebuilt, from the ground up-a major loss of ground that Gomez
could ill-afford at the time.

"But the 'Addendum' was a pathetically
weak attempt, from surface appearances, at 'rewriting' the past,
and Gomez was able to dismiss giving it serious consideration
as a being a real possibility, although he had D'Shauneaux watched
constantly, until the day of his death, to confirm the evaluation
he had made in this regard."
"However, Gomez now finds himself, a hundred years later,
with the Cowboy, speaking under the auspices of the Author, himself,
C.J. Parker, and he's calling Admiral D'Shauneaux 'Uncle Bubba',
thereby 'resurrecting' the idea that a deeper connection-and thus
possibly an ongoing conspiracy-between Parker and D'Shauneaux,
was a 'reality', once again raising the possibility of the InterNet
being corrupted and compromised, only 'this time', a century down
the road, at the very apex of the fruition of Gomez and the Evil
One's Grand Design."

"But why," Alexis asked, "would
Gomez give any more credence to the Cowboy's claim of a deeper
association between the two, than he did to D'Shauneaux's original
attempt at raising the possibility?"

"Think about it.", Bubba replied,
and then proceeded to lead her through what he, based on his observations
of their final game of 'Pitch', believed was the Cowboy's strategy
in making his 'pitch' to Gomez.

"The Cowboy would have opened boldly
by establishing a genuine 'link' to D'Shauneaux, one containing
personal details that went 'beyond' the commonly known details
of the legend. This, coming from an 'unknown entity' having no
previously known link to the legend, would be designed to throw
Gomez a tad off-balance.
"His next step would be to continue boldly, establishing
that he was, however vainly, 'on the offensive'. He would have
laid out strong enough cards to surprise Gomez and pique his interest
in the Cowboy having come 'out of nowhere' to demonstrate that
he is a 'genuine player' in the ongoing legend of the Magic Circle.

"Then he would have hit him with 'Uncle
Bubba', indicating that a 'major player' on the current InterNet
is indeed an unknown descendant of D'Shauneaux, thus annoying
Gomez by flashing a 'card' that had been played a century previously,
and discounted as a threat to the overall game. By flashing it
'early' in his game, the Cowboy would have forced the stakes to
a higher level, giving a great more import to the cards that he
was about to play, and, by corollary, if they were 'good' cards,
then they would thus confirm the possibility that the previously
played cards, 'Uncle Bubba' in particular, were valid cards, as
well."

"And the very moment that the
relationship of the next few cards deciding the importance of
the previous cards sank in, the Cowboy would have hit Gomez with
his knowledge of the 'Inaugural Enigma'." Bubba laughed heartily,
knowing that he was certainly right about this.

"Why would this be such a powerful
'card'.", Alexis prodded Bubba.

"Because, my dear," Bubba responded
with gleeful insight, "with knowledge of the Inaugural Enigma,
he's now linking himself to the Fool, thus establishing a 'heritage',
and raising the possibility of the 'reality' of another previously
disregarded 'link', the rumored connection of the Fool and the
Head Hacker. And Gomez would already have figured out that if
this indeed was a line of 'heritage', that the 'real' import
of the Cowboy's cards would have to do with an 'expansion' of
that heritage. It would also mean that Gomez was being,
'laughed at' by some unknown quantity, known only as the Cowboy,
and being told that he was wrong in his decisions about
two major concerns in his past.

"It had to be obvious by this point
that the Cowboy was just starting to get 'warmed up', and it must
have been driving Gomez crazy. So this is where the Cowboy
would have stopped to challenge Gomez to put his 'balls to the
wall', and he would have pulled the 'Winner's Bluff' gambit."

"You, my dear, sweet Bubba," Alexis
purred, "almost hemorrhaged, at this point in the game. What
on earth do you think Gomez's reaction was?"

"Without doubt," Bubba stated
resolutely, "his eyes crossed, and he 'shit a fiery brick'."

"Without a doubt.", Alexis agreed,
smiling. "And then?"

"And then," Bubba pointed out,
"the Cowboy would have done exactly as you, yourself, did-bang,
bang, bang,-one, two, three-back to back tricks, played hard and
fast.
"My best guess is that two of last three 'tricks' would have
included the fact that the Author, C.J. Parker, had survived,
and that sitting right in front of Gomez, spitting on the balls
that Gomez had so boldly laid on the table, was the Author's successor,
and current representative-the Cowboy.

"This had to have launched Gomez so
far off the deep-end that he would have totally 'flipped his wig'.
I would venture to say that, at this point, our dear, beloved
Cowboy officially became 'toast' as far as his future prospects
of living and breathing in the absence of pain are considered."


Bubba knew that, at this point, it was difficult
for Alexis not to 'jump forward' to the question of there perhaps
being a possibility, however slim, of changing the Cowboy's prospects,
but she bit her lip, and continued to follow the flow of Bubba's
narrative.

"So what do you think are the odds
that the Cowboy's 'bluff' was successful." Alexis asked.

"Before I answer that, Alexis, allow
me to mention our part in 'backing his action', so to speak."

Bubba paused for a moment, to collect his
thoughts, then continued,
"Do you remember the last time that you saw the Cowboy?"

"Yes.", Alexis smiled, without
restraint. "I scared him."

"He would deny it, of course,"
Bubba laughed, "but that is a fairly accurate description
of his reaction to your presence.
"He confided to me later, that he had a 'strange premonition'
about you, though he was confused as to its meaning, and that
it 'bothered' him so much that he eventually gave in to his inclinations
and ran a complete background history on you. He follow your lineage
back through all the archives, right up to the beginning records
of the InterNet. He found out something about you and I that even
we, ourselves were unaware of."

"When Gomez performs the same task,
as he most certainly will do, following my 'grand announcement'
of yesterday evening, and my subsequent 'celebration' of your
upcoming 'marriage' to the 'nephew' of D'Shauneaux, by lineage,
of course, then he will find, as the Cowboy found, that you are,
my dear Alexis, by virtue of our own lineages, my 'niece', as
I so eloquently stated, last night."

Alexis jumped up and threw her arms around
Bubba, smothering him with happiness, and squealing with joy to
be truly related, however far back, to the lecherous old geezer
of her recent youth.

Bubba composed himself, and continued,
"Thus, Gomez will thereupon double, and redouble, his efforts
to check the possibility of my 'companion claim' also being true,
namely, that the Cowboy is, by lineage, the 'nephew' of D'Shauneaux,
or rather, that C.J. Parker, who, according to the Cowboy's account,
survived and propagated the lineage of the Author, was the actual,
living, breathing, nephew and co-conspirator of Vice-Admiral Bubba
D'Shauneaux, who was the Head of Security for Gomez's precious
InterNet from its very inception.

"I have every reason to believe,"
Bubba continued, finally answering Alexis' question, "that
the breadth and scope of his inquiries into this matter will set
in motion a 'chain-reaction' that will result in the actualization
of what has hitherto remained only a myth-the creation of the
mythical 'Circle of Eunuchs', whose existence has been debated
for the last hundred years."

"Now, my dear, I must take my rest,
but be assured that I will, upon rising, broach the subject of
what possibility there may be, though I would not wish to lead
you to believe that there is any but the slimmest of hopes, in
changing the prospects of the Cowboy-for the better, naturally."



Bubba immediately began to drift off to sleep, praying that, by
the time he awoke, he might have truly found some small, real
hope to give to Alexis in regard to her 'new love' in life, the
Cowboy. 


Channel 23 - Toast