From: dlv@bwalk.dm.com (Dr.Dimitri Vulis KOTM)
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 1997 17:45:42 -0700 (PDT)
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Subject: Re: Bot-generated insults
In-Reply-To: <Pine.SUN.3.91.970407195822.28014G-100000@beast.brainlink.com>
Message-ID: <uFgT5D77w165w@bwalk.dm.com>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain


Ray Arachelian <sunder@brainlink.com> writes:

> It figures you wouldn't know any other language than BASIC, and nadly
                                                                  ^^^??
> written basic at that.  I've seen better code written by chimpanzees.

If Ray "Arsen" Arachelian can work for Earthweb, LLP, as an "associate
network adiministrator", then I'm not surprised if they have chimpanzees
writing Java code as well.

I used to think that LISP is the best language for such apps, but wouldn't
debase it by writing a simulation of a dandruff-covered Armenian in it.

****************************************************************************

(DEF 'randomize '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ RSEED (DTIME))
(SETQ RSEED (- RSEED (* 12345(/ RSEED 12345))))))


(DEF 'random '(LAMBDA (s)
   (SETQ RSEED (+ RSEED 911))
   (COND ((GT RSEED 15000) (SETQ RSEED (- RSEED 15000))))
   (+ 1 (- RSEED (* s (/ RSEED s))))
))

~
(DEF 'statement '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 020))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC "Let the games begin!"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC "Sweet Jesus!"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC "Not that!"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC "At last!"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC "Land O' Goshen!"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC "Is that all?"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC "Is it in?"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC "Cheese it, the cops!"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC "I never dreamed it could be like this!"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC "If I do, you won't respect me!"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC "Oh my God!"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC "Now!"))
((EQ R 013) (PRINC "Open Sesame!"))
((EQ R 014) (PRINC "Pomade!"))
((EQ R 015) (PRINC "Harder!"))
((EQ R 016) (PRINC "Faster!"))
((EQ R 017) (PRINC "Again!"))
((EQ R 018) (PRINC "Help!"))
((EQ R 019) (PRINC "Ay de mi!"))
((EQ R 020) (PRINC "Deeper!"))
)))

(DEF 'said '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 018))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC " cried"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC " bellowed"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC " yelped"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC " croaked"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC " growled"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC " panted"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC " moaned"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC " grunted"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC " laughed"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC " warbled"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC " sighed"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC " ejaculated"))
((EQ R 013) (PRINC " whispered"))
((EQ R 014) (PRINC " stammered"))
((EQ R 015) (PRINC " wheezed"))
((EQ R 016) (PRINC " squealed"))
((EQ R 017) (PRINC " whimpered"))
((EQ R 018) (PRINC " pleaded"))
)))

(DEF 'girl '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 011))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC "saucy baggage"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC "wanton hussy"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC "unfortunate woman"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC "lust-crazed duchess"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC "female impersonator"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC "nine-year-old nymphomaniac"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC "45-year-old virgin bull-dyke"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC "leather freak"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC "home-cumming queen"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC "defrocked nun"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC "bisexual budgie"))
)))

(DEF 'adj-1 '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 014))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC "thrashing"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC "slurping"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC "insatiable"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC "rabid"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC "satanic"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC "corpulent"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC "nose-grooming"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC "tripe-fondling"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC "dribbling"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC "spread-eagled"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC "orally fixated"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC "vile"))
((EQ R 013) (PRINC "awesomely endowed"))
((EQ R 014) (PRINC "strapping"))
)))

(DEF 'boy '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 020))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC " rakehell"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC " black panther"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC " hunchback"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC " friar"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC " archduke"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC " midget"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC " great dane"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC " stallion"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC " donkey"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC " electric eel"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC " lecherous"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC " lickspittle"))
((EQ R 013) (PRINC " faggot butler"))
((EQ R 014) (PRINC " paraplegic"))
((EQ R 015) (PRINC " pothead"))
((EQ R 016) (PRINC " dirty old man"))
((EQ R 017) (PRINC " black-power advocate"))
((EQ R 018) (PRINC " follicle fetishist"))
((EQ R 019) (PRINC " egg-sucking chicken flicker"))
((EQ R 020) (PRINC " hired hand"))
)))

(DEF 'verb-1 '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 011))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC " plundered"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC " diddled"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC " devoured"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC " fondled"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC " mouthed"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC " tongued"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC " lashed"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC " tweaked"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC " violated"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC " defiled"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC " irrigated"))
)))

(DEF 'adj-2 '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 012))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC "alabaster"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC "pink-tipped"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC "creamy"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC "rosebud"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC "moist"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC "throbbing"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC "juicy"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC "heaving"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC "straining"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC "mammoth"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC "succulent"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC "quivering"))
)))

(DEF 'tits '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 013))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC " schnoobies"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC " globes"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC " melons"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC " mounds"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC " buds"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC " paps"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC " chubbies"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC " protruberances"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC " treasures"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC " bum"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC " bung"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC " vestibule"))
((EQ R 013) (PRINC " armpits"))
)))

(DEF 'verb-2 '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 011))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC "plunged"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC "thrust"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC "squeezed"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC "pounded"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC "drove"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC "eased"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC "slid"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC "hammered"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC "squished"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC "crammed"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC "slammed"))
)))

(DEF 'adj-3 '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 018))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC "bursting"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC "jutting"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC "glistening"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC "brobdingnagian"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC "prodigious"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC "purple"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC "searing"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC "swollen"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC "rigid"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC "rampaging"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC "warty"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC "steaming"))
((EQ R 013) (PRINC "gorged"))
((EQ R 014) (PRINC "trunklike"))
((EQ R 015) (PRINC "foaming"))
((EQ R 016) (PRINC "spouting"))
((EQ R 017) (PRINC "swinish"))
((EQ R 018) (PRINC "red-hot"))
)))

(DEF 'prick '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 024))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC " prosthesis"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC " intruder"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC " prong"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC " stump"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC " member"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC " meatloaf"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC " majesty"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC " bowsprit"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC " earthmover"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC " jackhammer"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC " ramrod"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC " cod"))
((EQ R 013) (PRINC " jabber"))
((EQ R 014) (PRINC " gusher"))
((EQ R 015) (PRINC " engine"))
((EQ R 016) (PRINC " brownie"))
((EQ R 017) (PRINC " joy stick"))
((EQ R 018) (PRINC " plunger"))
((EQ R 019) (PRINC " piston"))
((EQ R 020) (PRINC " tool"))
((EQ R 021) (PRINC " manhood"))
((EQ R 022) (PRINC " lollipop"))
((EQ R 023) (PRINC " kidney prodder"))
((EQ R 043) (PRINC " device"))
)))

(DEF 'adj-4 '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 010))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC "pulsing"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC "hungry"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC "hymeneal"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC "palpitating"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC "gaping"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC "slavering"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC "welcoming"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC "glutted"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC "gobbling"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC "cobwebby"))
)))

(DEF 'cunt '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ R (random 017))
(COND
((EQ R 001) (PRINC " swamp"))
((EQ R 002) (PRINC " honeypot"))
((EQ R 003) (PRINC " jam jar"))
((EQ R 004) (PRINC " butterbox"))
((EQ R 005) (PRINC " furburger"))
((EQ R 006) (PRINC " cherry pie"))
((EQ R 007) (PRINC " cush"))
((EQ R 008) (PRINC " slot"))
((EQ R 009) (PRINC " slit"))
((EQ R 010) (PRINC " cockpit"))
((EQ R 011) (PRINC " damp"))
((EQ R 012) (PRINC " furrow"))
((EQ R 013) (PRINC " sanctum sanctorum"))
((EQ R 014) (PRINC " bearded clam"))
((EQ R 015) (PRINC " continental divide"))
((EQ R 016) (PRINC " paradise valley"))
((EQ R 017) (PRINC " wanton desire"))
)))

(DEF 'smut '(LAMBDA ()
 (PRINC '\") (statement) (PRINC '\") (said) (PRINC " the ") (girl)
 (PRINC " as the ") (adj-1) (boy) (verb-1) (PRINC " her ") (adj-2)
 (tits) (PRINC " and ") (verb-2) (PRINC " his ") (adj-3) (prick)
 (PRINC " into her ") (adj-4) (cunt) (PRINC ".") (TERPRI)
))

(randomize)

****************************************************************************

~Pseudo-random 1 to s

(DEF 'randomize '(LAMBDA ()
(SETQ RSEED (DTIME))
(SETQ RSEED (- RSEED (* 12345(/ RSEED 12345))))))


(DEF 'random '(LAMBDA (s)
   (SETQ RSEED (+ RSEED 911))
   (COND ((GT RSEED 15000) (SETQ RSEED (- RSEED 15000))))
   (+ 1 (- RSEED (* s (/ RSEED s))))
))


(DEF 'adj-phrase '(LAMBDA ()
    (PROG ()
   LOOP-adj
    (SETQ R (random 124))
    (PRINC
       (COND
	((EQ R 001) "stinking")
	((EQ R 002) "little")
	((EQ R 003) "smelly")
	((EQ R 004) "ugly")
	((EQ R 005) "bisexual")
	((EQ R 006) "deranged")
	((EQ R 007) "revolting")
	((EQ R 008) "sickening")
	((EQ R 009) "disgusting")
	((EQ R 010) "perverted")
	((EQ R 011) "stupid")
	((EQ R 012) "illiterate")
	((EQ R 013) "flea-bitten")
	((EQ R 014) "depraved")
	((EQ R 015) "uncouth")
	((EQ R 016) "bad breathed")
	((EQ R 017) "pitiful")
	((EQ R 018) "dumpy")
	((EQ R 019) "offensive")
	((EQ R 020) "dim witted")
	((EQ R 021) "loathsome")
	((EQ R 022) "insignificant")
	((EQ R 023) "blithering")
	((EQ R 024) "repulsive")
	((EQ R 025) "worthless")
	((EQ R 026) "blundering")
	((EQ R 027) "retarded")
	((EQ R 028) "useless")
	((EQ R 029) "obnoxious")
	((EQ R 030) "low budget")
	((EQ R 031) "asisine")
	((EQ R 032) "neurotic")
	((EQ R 033) "subhuman")
	((EQ R 034) "crochety")
	((EQ R 035) "indescribable")
	((EQ R 036) "contemptible")
	((EQ R 037) "unspeakable")
	((EQ R 038) "sick")
	((EQ R 039) "lazy")
	((EQ R 040) "good for nothing)")
	((EQ R 041) "slutty")
	((EQ R 042) "spastic")
	((EQ R 043) "creepy")
	((EQ R 044) "sloppy")
	((EQ R 045) "dumb")
	((EQ R 046) "predictable")
	((EQ R 047) "atrocious")
	((EQ R 048) "grotesque")
	((EQ R 049) "ungodly")
	((EQ R 050) "feeble-minded")
	((EQ R 051) "clueless")
	((EQ R 052) "demented")
	((EQ R 053) "bewildered")
	((EQ R 054) "outrageous")
	((EQ R 055) "deranged")
	((EQ R 056) "confused")
	((EQ R 057) "miserable")
	((EQ R 058) "detestable")
	((EQ R 059) "annoying")
	((EQ R 060) "shameless")
	((EQ R 061) "ignorant")
	((EQ R 062) "despicable")
	((EQ R 063) "insane")
	((EQ R 064) "tiny brained")
	((EQ R 065) "oblivious")
	((EQ R 066) "hopeless")
	((EQ R 067) "god-awful")
	((EQ R 068) "bungling")
	((EQ R 069) "appalling")
	((EQ R 070) "lackluster")
	((EQ R 071) "skaggy")
	((EQ R 072) "brainless")
	((EQ R 073) "boring")
	((EQ R 074) "uncultivated")
	((EQ R 075) "inadequate")
	((EQ R 076) "inhuman")
	((EQ R 077) "self-exalting")
	((EQ R 078) "testy")
	((EQ R 079) "irresponsible")
	((EQ R 080) "mentally deficient")
	((EQ R 081) "disdainful")
	((EQ R 082) "friendless")
	((EQ R 083) "dreadfull")
	((EQ R 084) "psychotic")
	((EQ R 085) "opinionated")
	((EQ R 086) "monotonous")
	((EQ R 087) "disgraceful")
	((EQ R 088) "preposterous")
	((EQ R 089) "totally tacky")
	((EQ R 090) "uneducated")
	((EQ R 091) "rediculous")
	((EQ R 092) "double ugly")
	((EQ R 093) "irrational")
	((EQ R 094) "cranky")
	((EQ R 095) "goofy")
	((EQ R 096) "crude")
	((EQ R 097) "embarrassing")
	((EQ R 098) "deeply disturbed)")
	((EQ R 099) "inept")
	((EQ R 100) "undisciplined")
	((EQ R 101) "crooked")
	((EQ R 102) "pathetic")
	((EQ R 103) "infantile")
	((EQ R 104) "witless")
	((EQ R 105) "indecent")
	((EQ R 106) "infuriating")
	((EQ R 107) "unimpressive")
	((EQ R 108) "insufferable")
	((EQ R 109) "dismal")
	((EQ R 110) "erratic")
	((EQ R 111) "incapable")
	((EQ R 112) "hallucinating")
	((EQ R 113) "pompous")
	((EQ R 114) "pitiable")
	((EQ R 115) "slovenly")
	((EQ R 116) "laughable")
	((EQ R 117) "bad tempered")
	((EQ R 118) "decrepit")
	((EQ R 119) "bizarre")
	((EQ R 120) "driveling")
	((EQ R 121) "uncultured")
	((EQ R 122) "cantankerous")
	((EQ R 123) "hypocritical")
	((EQ R 124) "sleazy")))
    (COND
     ( (LT(random 3) 3) (PRINC ", ") (GO LOOP-adj))
     ( T		(PRINC " "))
))))

(DEF 'noun '(LAMBDA ()
(COND ((EQ (random 4) 1)
  (SETQ R (random 15))
  (PRINC
   (COND
    ((EQ R 01) "twit")
    ((EQ R 02) "bastard")
    ((EQ R 03) "fool")
    ((EQ R 04) "idiot")
    ((EQ R 05) "cretin")
    ((EQ R 06) "dolt")
    ((EQ R 07) "moron")
    ((EQ R 08) "degenerate")
    ((EQ R 09) "mutant")
    ((EQ R 09) "asshole")
    ((EQ R 10) "imbecile")
    ((EQ R 11) "incompetent")
    ((EQ R 12) "failure")
    ((EQ R 13) "noncompoop")
    ((EQ R 14) "pothead")
    ((EQ R 15) "wiper of other peoples' behinds"))))

  (T(SETQ R (random 30)) (PRINC (COND
     ((EQ R 01) "lump")
     ((EQ R 02) "crock")
     ((EQ R 03) "ball")
     ((EQ R 04) "mass")
     ((EQ R 05) "tub")
     ((EQ R 06) "loaf")
     ((EQ R 07) "bucket")
     ((EQ R 08) "mound")
     ((EQ R 09) "bunch")
     ((EQ R 10) "stack")
     ((EQ R 11) "glob")
     ((EQ R 12) "bag")
     ((EQ R 13) "heap")
     ((EQ R 14) "mountain")
     ((EQ R 15) "load")
     ((EQ R 16) "toilet full")
     ((EQ R 17) "barrel")
     ((EQ R 18) "sack")
     ((EQ R 19) "blob")
     ((EQ R 20) "pile")
     ((EQ R 21) "clump")
     ((EQ R 22) "shovel full")
     ((EQ R 23) "cake")
     ((EQ R 24) "bowl")
     ((EQ R 25) "wheelbarrel full")
     ((EQ R 26) "box")
     ((EQ R 27) "crate")
     ((EQ R 28) "collection")
     ((EQ R 29) "truckload")
     ((EQ R 30) "vat")
))
    (PRINC " of ")
    (SETQ R (random 69))
    (PRINC (COND
     ((EQ R 01) "stale ")
     ((EQ R 02) "foul ")
     ((EQ R 03) "fossilized ")
     ((EQ R 04) "festering ")
     ((EQ R 05) "steaming ")
     ((EQ R 06) "gross ")
     ((EQ R 07) "reasty ")
     ((EQ R 08) "recycled ")
     ((EQ R 09) "mildewed ")
     ((EQ R 10) "raunchy ")
     ((EQ R 11) "putrid ")
     ((EQ R 12) "moldy ")
     ((EQ R 13) "synthetic ")
     ((EQ R 14) "filthy ")
     ((EQ R 15) "soppy ")
     ((EQ R 16) "radioactive  ")
     ((EQ R 17) "infested ")
     ((EQ R 18) "septic ")
     ((EQ R 19) "crusty ")
     ((EQ R 20) "smelly ")
     ((EQ R 21) "dirty ")
     ((EQ R 22) "rotten ")
     ((EQ R 23) "crumby ")
     ((EQ R 24) "musty ")
     ((EQ R 25) "second-hand  ")
     ((EQ R 26) "fly-covered  ")
     ((EQ R 27) "imitation ")
     ((EQ R 28) "moth-eaten ")
     ((EQ R 29) "pureed ")
     ((EQ R 30) "decaying ")
     ((EQ R 31) "decomposed ")
     ((EQ R 32) "freeze dried ")
     ((EQ R 33) "soggy ")
     ((EQ R 34) "petrified ")
     ((EQ R 35) "seething ")
     ((EQ R 36) "stinking ")
     ((EQ R 37) "clammy ")
     ((EQ R 38) "dehydrated ")
     ((EQ R 39) "polluted ")
     ((EQ R 40) "lousy ")
     ((EQ R 41) "stenchy ")
     ((EQ R 42) "malignant ")
     ((EQ R 43) "noxious ")
     ((EQ R 44) "grimy ")
     ((EQ R 45) "fusty ")
     ((EQ R 46) "reeky ")
     ((EQ R 47) "nasty ")
     ((EQ R 48) "mutilated ")
     ((EQ R 49) "sloppy ")
     ((EQ R 50) "fresh ")
     ((EQ R 51) "gruesome ")
     ((EQ R 52) "foreign ")
     ((EQ R 53) "grisly ")
     ((EQ R 54) "sloshy ")
     ((EQ R 55) "dusky ")
     ((EQ R 56) "wormy ")
     ((EQ R 57) "mealy ")
     ((EQ R 58) "defective ")
     ((EQ R 59) "spoiled ")
     ((EQ R 60) "contaminated ")
     ((EQ R 61) "sun-ripened  ")
     ((EQ R 62) "rancid ")
     ((EQ R 63) "old ")
     ((EQ R 64) "fermenting ")
     ((EQ R 65) "industrial-strength ")
     ((EQ R 66) "flea-bitten ")
     ((EQ R 67) "nauseating ")
     ((EQ R 68) "decomposing ")
     ((EQ R 69) "unimaginable ")
))
    (SETQ R (random 91))
    (PRINC (COND
     ((EQ R 01) "pig bowels")
     ((EQ R 02) "walrus blubber")
     ((EQ R 03) "dog barf")
     ((EQ R 04) "coyote snot")
     ((EQ R 05) "carp guts")
     ((EQ R 06) "skunk waste")
     ((EQ R 07) "camel fleas")
     ((EQ R 08) "llama spit")
     ((EQ R 09) "rat boogers")
     ((EQ R 10) "toe jam")
     ((EQ R 11) "maggot guts")
     ((EQ R 12) "dog meat")
     ((EQ R 13) "ear wax")
     ((EQ R 14) "nose nuggets")
     ((EQ R 15) "swine remains")
     ((EQ R 16) "rubbish")
     ((EQ R 17) "goat carcusses")
     ((EQ R 18) "sewage")
     ((EQ R 19) "zit cheese")
     ((EQ R 20) "vulture gizzards")
     ((EQ R 21) "hogwash")
     ((EQ R 22) "navel lint")
     ((EQ R 23) "gutter mud")
     ((EQ R 24) "leprousy scabs")
     ((EQ R 25) "nasal hairs")
     ((EQ R 26) "garbage")
     ((EQ R 27) "elephant plaque")
     ((EQ R 28) "slug slime")
     ((EQ R 29) "buzzard barf")
     ((EQ R 30) "jock straps")
     ((EQ R 31) "parrot droppings")
     ((EQ R 32) "camel manure")
     ((EQ R 33) "chicken guts")
     ((EQ R 34) "underwear")
     ((EQ R 35) "compost")
     ((EQ R 36) "pig droppings")
     ((EQ R 37) "rabbit raisins")
     ((EQ R 38) "turkey puke")
     ((EQ R 39) "whale waste")
     ((EQ R 40) "hippo vomit")
     ((EQ R 41) "pimple pus")
     ((EQ R 42) "dog phlegm")
     ((EQ R 43) "buffalo chips")
     ((EQ R 44) "weasel warts")
     ((EQ R 45) "shark snot")
     ((EQ R 46) "swamp mud")
     ((EQ R 47) "tripe")
     ((EQ R 48) "pig hickies")
     ((EQ R 49) "fish lips")
     ((EQ R 50) "cockroaches")
     ((EQ R 51) "dandruff flakes")
     ((EQ R 52) "rodent droppings")
     ((EQ R 53) "carrion")
     ((EQ R 54) "monkey zits")
     ((EQ R 55) "horse puckies")
     ((EQ R 56) "pig slop")
     ((EQ R 57) "sewer seepage")
     ((EQ R 58) "armpit hairs")
     ((EQ R 59) "ape puke")
     ((EQ R 60) "frog fat")
     ((EQ R 61) "bug parts")
     ((EQ R 62) "mule froth")
     ((EQ R 63) "hog livers")
     ((EQ R 64) "camel flops")
     ((EQ R 65) "sludge")
     ((EQ R 66) "pimple squeezings")
     ((EQ R 67) "toad tumors")
     ((EQ R 68) "sweat socks")
     ((EQ R 69) "bat guano")
     ((EQ R 70) "rat cysts")
     ((EQ R 71) "moose entrails")
     ((EQ R 72) "foot fungus")
     ((EQ R 73) "buzzard leavings")
     ((EQ R 74) "eel guts")
     ((EQ R 75) "maggot brains")
     ((EQ R 76) "sinus clots")
     ((EQ R 77) "stable sweepings")
     ((EQ R 78) "drain clogs")
     ((EQ R 79) "cigar butts")
     ((EQ R 80) "pigeon bombs")
     ((EQ R 81) "cow cud")
     ((EQ R 82) "snake innards")
     ((EQ R 83) "spitoon spillage")
     ((EQ R 84) "barf curds")
     ((EQ R 85) "maggot fodder")
     ((EQ R 86) "nose pickings")
     ((EQ R 87) "cow pies")
     ((EQ R 88) "puke lumps")
     ((EQ R 89) "hog swill")
     ((EQ R 90) "sinus drainage")
     ((EQ R 91) "lizard bums")
))
))))

(DEF 'directional-verb '(LAMBDA ()
  (SETQ R (random 5))
  (PRINC
  (COND
   ((EQ R 1) "puke")
   ((EQ R 2) "vomit")
   ((EQ R 3) "fart")
   ((EQ R 4) "piss")
   ((EQ R 5) "shout obscenities")))))

(DEF 'direction '(LAMBDA ()
  (SETQ R (random 3))
  (PRINC
  (COND
   ((EQ R 1) " at you")
   ((EQ R 2) " in your face")
   ((EQ R 2) " in your general direction")))))

(DEF 'verb-phrase '(LAMBDA ()
  (SETQ R (random 5))
    (COND
     ((EQ R 1) (directional-verb)  (direction))
     ((EQ R 2) (PRINC "cry"))
     ((EQ R 3) (PRINC "weep"))
     ((EQ R 4) (PRINC "scream"))
     ((EQ R 5) (PRINC "commit gross abominations"))
)))

(DEF 'suggestion '(LAMBDA ()
  (SETQ R (random 6))
  (PRINC
    (COND
     ((EQ R 1) "crawl back under a rock")
     ((EQ R 2) "go back whence you came from")
     ((EQ R 3) "die abd leave us in peace")
     ((EQ R 4) "go jump in a lake")
     ((EQ R 5) "take a long walk off a short pier")
     ((EQ R 6) "do yourself a favor and drop dead")
))))

(DEF 'proper-name '(LAMBDA ()
  (SETQ R (random 5))
  (PRINC
  (COND
   ((EQ R 1) "Alan Turing")
   ((EQ R 2) "Marvin Minsky")
   ((EQ R 3) "Douglas Hofstadter")
   ((EQ R 4) "your best friend")
   ((EQ R 4) "a large crowd of graduate students"))
)))

(DEF 'abuse '(LAMBDA ()
  (PRINC "You ") (adj-phrase) (noun) (PRINC ". ")
  (SETQ RR (random 4))
  (COND
   ((EQ RR 1) (PRINC "May ") (proper-name) (PRINC " ") (directional-verb)
	       (direction) (PRINC ". "))
   ((EQ RR 2) (PRINC "Whenever I see you, I want to ") (verb-phrase)
	      (PRINC ". "))
   ((EQ RR 3) (PRINC "Why don't you ") (suggestion) (PRINC ". "))
   ((EQ RR 4) (PRINC "Please, ") (suggestion) (PRINC ". "))
)))

(randomize)

---

Dr.Dimitri Vulis KOTM
Brighton Beach Boardwalk BBS, Forest Hills, N.Y.: +1-718-261-2013, 14.4Kbps