From: nobody@REPLAY.COM (Anonymous)
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 22:58:22 +0800
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Subject: Dark is faster than Light
Message-ID: <199710211444.QAA23779@basement.replay.com>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain



             Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

     For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. 
Electric
bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark.  Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers.  The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier
than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
     The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The larger the
dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a
parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.  As with
all
things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are full of dark,
they
can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker.  A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a white
wick.  You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.
     Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited
range.
There are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these can't handle
all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. 
When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.
     Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this
mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in
the
solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great amount of
heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.  Dark
is
also heavier than light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it
gets
slowly darker and darker.  When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the heavier dark sinks
to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.  The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage.  We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where
it
may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to
get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognized
this
problem, and tried to solve it.  When on a river in a canoe travelling
in
the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as
not
to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of
dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

     Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were
to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet,
but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the
closet.

     In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our
lives
much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember
that
it is indeed a dark sucker.