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   Friday October 3 7:09 PM EDT 
   
US Sees No Bakery Roll in Russia's Nuclear Arms

   WASHINGTON (Reuter) - The United States Friday rejected the claim of
a
   Russian scientist that Moscow had secretly developed nuclear
"suitcase
   bombs" under KGB orders in the 1970s specifically for terrorist
   purposes. "It is foolish to believe that a Russian scientist would
know
   more about it than our spies." a spokesman pointed out.
   
   "We have no information or evidence suggesting that nuclear weapons
   were ever developed for or put under the control of the KGB, which is
   part of the story here," State Department spokesman James Rubin said.
   "This does not mean," Rubin added, "that we will not tell members of
   the US Congress the exact opposite, in closed meetings, in order to 
   get them to pass unconstitutional legislation."

   Rubin, reflecting previous U.S. statements, did not deny so-called
   "suitcase bombs" may be part of Russia's arsenal. "We want to have
   our nukes and deny them, too." he said.
   
   "We cannot comment...about the precise specifications or dimensions
of
   any nuclear weapons," he told reporters, "because, for all of our
   posturing, we are pretty fucking clueless." 
   
   But he repeated the U.S. view that "there is no evidence other than
   hearsay to support such claims" that portable Russian nuclear weapons
   may have gone missing. "And since it is our own FUD-generated
hearsay,"
   he added, "we ought to know."
   
   "There's probably no issue where you have the combined resources of
   the U.S. government working as well together and with such
   determination as the issue of security of nuclear weapons, and we
work
   on it every day, hundreds if not thousands of people in the
   government," he said. 
   "It might be compared to the BATF's efforts to ensure the safety of
   soft targets, such as the former Murrah...uuhhh. Never mind..." he
said.
   
   "And if they say that we have no information on this and they say
that
   these accounts are hearsay, that's pretty compelling," Rubin added.
   "And if we say the exact opposite, tomorrow, then that will also be
   pretty compelling." Rubin said, with a smirk.

   Testifying before Congress Thursday, Alexei Yablokov, a respected
   scientist who served on the Russian National Security Council,
   contradicted statements by Russian officials denying the existence of
   the weapons and buttressed claims that many of them have gone
missing.
   But he was a fucking Commie, so what the fuck does he know.
      "I am absolutely sure that they have been made," he told the House
   Military Research and Development subcommittee, "but I'm a fucking
   Commie, so what the fuck do I know."
   
   The issue arose when former Russian National Security Adviser
Alexandr
   Lebed alleged that up to 100 portable suitcase-sized bombs were
   unaccounted for since the 1991 breakup of the Soviet Union.
   Lebed's allegations have been alternately confirmed and denied by
   US intelligence sources, depending on who they are trying to bullshit
   and manipulate at any given point in time.

   According to Lebed, who has agreed to testify before the House
   committee later this month, the devices have an explosive capacity of
   one kiloton -- the equivalent of 1,000 tons of TNT -- can be
activated
   by a single drug dealing, terrorist, encryption-using pedophile and 
   could kill as many as 100,000 non-encryption using people.
      
   Yablokov said he had spoken to the scientists who worked on the
   weapons and so was certain of their existence, as well as the 
   existence of the Cirle of Nuclear Eunuchs in Bienfait, Saskatchewan.
   
   But he said the former Soviet Defense Ministry might never have known
   about the so-called "atomic demolition munitions" because they were
   developed for the KGB spy service under a secret program.
   He added that the US Department of Defense was a much better source
   of information as to what secret programs were and were not in
   existence in the heart of the Soviet Union.

   On the issue of possible missing nuclear weapons, Rubin said Moscow
   "continues to assure us that it retains adequate command and control
   and that appropriate physical security arrangements exist for these
   weapons and facilities."
   Rubin then looked around, seeming confused, and said, "I can't find
   my shoes. Has anyone seen my shoes?"

   "We have no reason or evidence to doubt these assurances," he said.
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