From: Bezerkeley Nutly News <cnn@dev.null>
Date: Sat, 10 Jan 1998 19:56:20 +0800
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Subject: Anger Crimes Up 442% In Bay Area
Message-ID: <34927314.21AC@dev.null>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain



[Bezerkeley Nutly News: Special Report by Defcon McCullagh Chainsaw]
AT AN EMERGENCY CYPHERPUNKS PHYSICAL MEETING AT THE W&S TAVERN AT 
5 a.m. in south Berkeley this morning, a lone gunman held police at
bay for several hours before escaping with a carton of cigarettes and
several bottles of cheap scotch.
While W&S Tavern owners explained to reportwhores that they had no 
plans to seek charges against the unknown gunman, since he used to be 
a regular customer and a good tipper, a police spokesperson told the
same reportwhores, under promise of UnAnonymity, that they would be
seeking the death penalty for the gunman, if caught, under the recent
Criminal Emotions legislation passed last week by the Politically 
Correct Peephole's Party at a recent Bezerkeley City Council meeting.

"Although the PCP leaders have only had time to train and deploy a few
hundred volunteers trained to recognize the signs of the new Criminal
Emotions," said Anonymous Badge #356, "it has already become apparent
that Anger and Negative Attitude crimes are skyrocketing out of control
in the Bay Area."
"The physical gunshot wounds suffered by several officers tonight will
heal, with time," the gender-neutral individual continued, in a monotone
voice, "but the anger expressed toward them by the gunman will remain
with them forever, or until the gunman apologizes, if caught."

Several hundred Postal Workers have already been detained and sent for
pschological testing in the Berkeley area under the strict new laws
governing restriction of expressions of disgruntlement within 500 feet
of a mailbox by federal postal employees.
A US Postal Service spokesperson told reportwhores, "I'm certainly not
happy about this..." and was immediately arrested and whisked away by
a group of homeless people helping to enforce the new legislation in
return for Bezerkeley City Council's promise to add shopping cart lanes
next to the current bike lanes on city streets.
A member of "The Disgruntled Postal Workers", a Tucson-based muscial 
group exempted from the new legislation under the "artistic license"
provisions, said, as he went through the pockets of the dead fans who
failed to escape during the climax of the performance, "I think the
gunman at the W&S Tavern was a member of 'The Angry Young Men' who
opened for us, so it is unlikely any charges can be laid in the 
incident, unless he actually smoked some of the cigarettes in the
bar during the shooting spree."

The owner of the W&S Tavern, when asked by reportwhores if he was
unhappy with the damage done to the bar during the shootout, consulted
briefly with his attorneys regarding the new Criminal Emotion laws
in the Berkeley area, and replied, "No. I'm perfectly happy with the
situation."
A nearby Berkeley policeman immediately shot down the bar owner, saying,
"He looked a little *too* happy, if you ask me." The attorneys merely
shrugged as the man lay dying on the sidewalk, telling reportwhores,
"The laws are clearly written not to allow deviation of emotionally 
legal expression too far in *any* direction, and we find that to be...
uuhhh...acceptable."

Every bar owner contacted by this reportwhore in regard to the new
law prohbiting drinking, as well as smoking, in Bay Area bars, said
that they were "cautiously optomistic" that their business would not
suffer as a result of the legislation.
"What we lose in volume, we can make up with lower overhead costs by
not needing to stock any of the products we sell." said one bar owner
as she placed a 'For Sale' sign in the front window.