From: Toto <toto@sk.sympatico.ca>
Date: Mon, 20 Apr 1998 19:51:48 -0700 (PDT)
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Subject: Epilogue 3/0 - SPACE ALIENS HIDE MY DRUGS!!! (Now containing special advertising inserts geared toward the reader's individual interests, based on your choice of password sfor your secret encryption keys.)
Message-ID: <353C0AA0.57AB@sk.sympatico.ca>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain


Epilogue 3/0 - SPACE ALIENS HIDE MY DRUGS!!!
_____________________________________________

		*** BIENFAIT NUTLY NEWS SPECIAL ***
	
		               **********************
		         *** KILL THE CHILDREN !!! ***
		               **********************

  ...Oh, yeah...now I remember!

  TalkTV! 
  It's a bastard-child of two forms of media--radio and
television--whose parents could never truly enter into a real marriage
because of slight differences in their techno-ethnic backgrounds.
  Nonetheless,  CITV-Edmonton has a TalkTV program which is a televised
radio call-in talk show.apparently designed to circumvent the potential
danger of another 'War of the Worlds' fiasco resulting from the tendency
of gullible Sheeple to believe everything they hear, and thus ending
with them racing en-mass off the edge of a cliff because the current
demand for the teaching of  equality in the educational system does not
allow the students to be taught that there is a difference between sheep
and lemmings.

[The New World Mathematical Order Equality Equations:
  0 + 1 = 1 ; 1 + 2 = 1 ; 4 * 7 = 1 ; (38 -12) * (6 + 4) = 1
 "Why can't we just all get a one?" 
 ~ Rodney King, after being beaten by L.A. police for driving faster
than 1 mph]

  These facts alone have little or no bearing on the point I am about to
make, but, taken together with a giant leap of logic, they lead to the
unmistakable conclusion that I am receiving secret messages from the
Gods of Communication through TV, radio, email, InterNet browsers and
the things pinned to the bulletin board at the local laundromat.
  The messages say, "KILL...KILL...KILL...KILL..."

  This fact in itself is not particularly troubling, nor even
noteworthy, for that matter, since, as a TechnoInfoWarrior, I am free to
slip into the Righteous Armour of the TruthMonger Multi-User InterNet
Persona and use my massive hidden stocks of excess commas, overused
capital letters and misplaced quote marks to wreak havoc upon the
English language in a frenzy of random slaughter that will eventually
lead to a total draining of the life-blood of meaning coursing
throughout the veins of the ascii-output thrown upon the Screen of
Reality (TM) which is no longer Silver, but any color that the end-user
chooses it to be, with a click of a mouse-button.

{I am once again losing my train of thought, here, but please bear with
me, as I suspect that I will find it devilishly hiding on a side-track
of the next few paragraphs.}

  The Jesus Futures Market--run by TOTO Enterprises in Bienfait,
Saskatchewan, and backed by BlackTar Junk Bonds-- reflects the evolution
of religious-faith technology into the Digital Salvation Age where Jesus
becomes a true Multi-User Savior who can redeem the sins of anyone who
has a credit-card number that can be used to receive a valid password
from the SoulCheck Validation System that allows them access to a wide
variety of Redemption sites capable of meeting their individual needs
according to the nature of the Adult Sex sites they have been visiting
(although the.individual Redemption WebSites reserve the right to add
surcharges for the redemption of sins involving graphic reproductions of
sex acts with life-forms or inanimate objects which are not covered by
the Original Crucifixion).
  As well, the proliferation of WebSites reflecting the validity of a
wide range of religious beliefs (i.e. - GodHatesFags.com, 'God's
Canadian Biblical Hate Page', not to mention the ever popular
http://www.balaams-ass.com/journal/balaam.htm) has led end-users to the
realization that they are no longer limited to the 'official' bullshit
being fed to them by government, corporate, religilous and social
leaders, but can actually make their own bullshit official by slapping
it into HTML format, uploading it to the InterNet, and making it as
valid a part of Virtual Reality as the MSNBC news URLs singing the
praises of a kindlier, gentler IRS.
  In fact, if you can convince some other lunatics to 'Link' to your
WebSite, in return for providing 'links' to the bullshit and garbage
that they have made manifest from what started out as a bad case of gas
from eating too many refried beans, then you have a shot at the BigTime
(TM), perhaps becoming part of some Ring of Worms that will throw total
strangers randomly into your own professed belief system, even if you
just made it up when you were drunk and have no idea what it all means
when you, yourself,  read your own WebSite, yourself, even when you are
drunk again (like now).

  So, as you can plainly see, it is equally easy to get back on track to
what may have been the original point I was trying to make, by throwing
a crossing-switch in your mind which links the validity of all religious
beliefs, regardless of their truth, in Reality (TM) (as long as they are
an HTML formatted part of the New World DisOrder arising from an
unregulated InterNet), with the equal validity of believing each and
every wave, bit or byte of analogue or digital information capable of
knocking on the Doors of Perception, as a Message from
MadDogInPossessionOfTheLastFalseSmile exhorting The Perceiver to
"KILL...KILL...KILL!!!" everything that moves, and some that don't, on
the theory that, since THE LIE is the 'Mother of the 10,000 Lies',
whereas The Truth (TM) is  hard to come by, rabidly biting them all so
that they will die a slow and agonizing death (unless they get the whole
series of rabies shots in time) and letting Dog sort them out will be
mathematically verifiable as being in the overall best interests of
WeTheSheeple, in the long run, over the long haul, on average, for the
most part, despite the pathetic whining of individual survivors of The
RAGE (TM) (i.e. - Fred Goldman), who selfishly petition for individual
justice at the expense of  the current hit-and-miss justice system which
averages out (in the long run, over the long haul, for the most part)
instead of just moving to Russia, if they don't like it.
  In short, the entrance bar on the Turnstile of the Gate Heaven has
been lowered by WeTheNetizens, so that pretty much anyone can jump over
it if they are short on officially recognized righteousness tokens, as
long as their beliefs and actions have been validated by a single hit on
their "HOW MANY DEAD BODIES DOES IT TAKE TO SPELL, 'I *TOLD* YOU I WAS
CRAZY'" WebSite.

  Thus it follows, that MeatSpace Authorities who choose to engage
InfoWarriors in battle on the physical plane are ultimately responsible
for any mayhem and destruction that may result from the transmission of
Digital InformationWaves (which are fairly harmless in their natural
optic fiber cable environment), over the Analogue MeatSpace Medium of a
human brain which has a level of electric resistance that makes it a bad
conductor, leading to the buildup of the heat of inner rage that can
only be released by the gentle breeze provided by the heat-reduction
attachment on a rapid-fire assault rifle being fired in a suitable
environment, such as a Denny's Restaurant, a Post Office, or within 500'
of a school.
  
********
Text Only Commercial Break
[I regret that the added expense of bribing my oldest nephew to lend me
his laptop in order to route around the damage caused by Decent People
With Family Values (TM) has forced me to rent space in the 'SPACE ALIENS
HIDE MY DRUGS!!!' manuscripts to A-Word-A-Day, who have kindly provided
me with a steady supply of excess commas, overused capital letters and
misplaced quote marks gleaned from the rough drafts of their work by
consciencious editors who are hoping that the Author will 'choke' on
them.]
********

CAN'T POSSIBLY BE TRUE

* Robert Gettman Boone, 51, was arrested at his home in a
Baltimore, Md., suburb in January and charged as the man who had
been firing two-foot-long, homemade bombs from his front yard,
across a busy thoroughfare, to a lot behind a car wash.  According
to police, Boone told them, "There's nothing to get excited about,"
that he was "just doing some experiments with high explosives." 
(Later, it took authorities almost eight hours to remove all the
explosives that were in his home.) 

* In September, police at Los Angeles International Airport
stopped Mark L. Kulp, 34, at a metal detector before his flight
home to East Grand Forks, Minn.  In his carry-on bags, Kulp had
several guns, 100 rounds of ammunition, knives, handcuffs, a ski
mask, and a fake sheriff's badge.  The police confiscated the
equipment and detained Kulp, and even learned that he was wanted
on an arrest warrant in Minnesota for threatening a police officer. 
However, they decided they could not arrest him because the guns
were not loaded, and when Minnesota authorities declined to send
anyone to bring him back, Kulp was released. 

BOOKS BY CHUCK SHEPHERD:  The Concrete Enema and
Other News of the Weird Classics by Chuck Shepherd (Andrews
and McMeel, 1996, $6.95) is still available in some larger
bookstores.  Or you can order by mail from Atomic Books, 1018
N. Charles St., Baltimore MD 21201 (add $2 postage for the first
book, $3 for two to the same address, $4 for 3, and $5 for more
than 3) (credit card orders 1-800-778-6246,
http://www.atomicbooks.com).  Or by credit card  from
Andrews and McMeel, 1-800-642-6480 (they bill $2 postage per
book).  Also by Chuck Shepherd and available at some larger
bookstores (and at Atomic Books):  News of the Weird (Plume
Books, 1989, $9), More News of the Weird (Plume, 1990, $9),
Beyond News of the Weird (Plume, 1991, $9), and America's Least
Competent Criminals (HarperPerennial, 1993, $9).  (The 1989,
1990, and 1991 books were co-authored with John J. Kohut and
Roland Sweet.)  Chuck Shepherd does not sell books, himself.
********
We Now Return You To Our Regularly Scheduled Chaos
********

  Insertion of an advertisement for publications by Chuck Shepherd,
perpetrator of the News Of The Weird, in a space bought and paid for by
A-Word-A-Day's Anu(s), should be taken as proof of the veracity of my
long-standing claims to be a drunken, senile old fart whose inability to
control either his bladder, his mind or his mouth, makes him a
natural-born TruthMonger (A Subsiduary Of Bubba Rom Dos Enterprises).

  Speaking of which...
  I need to take a leak and grab another beer, so this seems as good a
place as any to end this portion of the Bienfait Nutly News "KILL THE
CHILDREN!!!" Special.
  So..."Smoke 'em if you got 'em.", grab yourself a Brewski, and write
you mom an email with no capital letters or punctuation marks (in order
to help save the linguistic environment from the ravaging effects of the
hole in the Bozo Layer of the Author's mind, leading to the creative
juices of the muse dripping down to form a bizarre mixture with his
procreative, gastric and intestinal juices, resulting in a conceptual
cocktail containing chaotic corruptions of linguistic manipulations
which have the capacity to suck the creative juices out of both the
minds and the cocks of those currently under Grand Jury investigation by
Special Persecutor, Dimitri Vulis KOTM, for CypherPunks Activities.