From: Illuminatus Primus <vermont@gate.net>
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Message Hash: b47cc31cc2c59da05bbea3d77fa10be643e635475247697785f7ed692f0bef5e
Message ID: <Pine.LNX.3.96.980426201711.13720Q-100000@oto.gate.net>
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UTC Datetime: 1998-04-27 00:19:25 UTC
Raw Date: Sun, 26 Apr 1998 17:19:25 -0700 (PDT)
From: Illuminatus Primus <vermont@gate.net>
Date: Sun, 26 Apr 1998 17:19:25 -0700 (PDT)
To: cypherpunks@toad.com
Subject: Screw You Packet
Message-ID: <Pine.LNX.3.96.980426201711.13720Q-100000@oto.gate.net>
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http://www.theonion.com/onion3315/screwyoupacket.html
BACK * 22 April 1998
_________________________________________________________________
WASHINGTON, DC--In an effort to streamline degradation of the
American populace and consolidate all forms of bureaucratic hassle
into one convenient mailing, federal officials announced Monday that,
beginning in 1999, the government will issue all citizens an annual
"Screw You" packet.
The packet, which is to be distributed in conjunction with
federal tax forms, will condense the government's countless methods of
abuse into a single handy 9x12 envelope.
"The federal government's current citizen-persecution system is
inefficient and wasteful," said Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY), who
spearheaded the congressional task force that developed the "Screw
You" packet. "This compact packet is not only cost-effective, it's
user-friendly and intuitive. Simple instructions and easy-to-remember
acronyms make the filing process as quick and painless as possible."
The packet's easy-to-understand forms will free citizens of the
nightmare of red tape normally associated with federal filings.
Filling out and returning the "Screw You" packet is mandatory and
easy. Here's how:
The first step is to calculate your Economic Mobility Factor
using the convenient EMF 1138 calculation sheet included in the
packet. Those with an Economic Mobility Factor of 90 or above may mail
or fax forms SC0089-L and SC0065-DD to their local Screw You EMF
Processing Center. They may also drop them off at SYEMFPC kiosks
conveniently set up at post offices and public libraries across the
U.S.
Those with an EMF between 30 and 90 must submit their forms in
person to a Screw You EMF Processing Center Clerk. Such applicants
must meet with the SYEMFPCC, and should arrange appointments via the
State Application Auditing Appointment Bureau. Once an appointment
date has been set by the SAAAB, a Screw You Appointment Confirmation
Card will be mailed to you within three to four weeks.
Upon receipt of the Screw You Appointment Confirmation Card,
applicants will be required to register the appointment with the Screw
You Appointment Registry Bureau. Failure to register the appointment
within a 48-hour period will result in a fine automatically added to
your estimated SYEMF-1138 quotient.
The amount of the fine can be determined by using Screw You
Fine/ Penalty Schedule 565612, which is available at all local
Department of Fiduciary Adjustment branch offices. If there is no DFA
office in your immediate Screw You zone, district, state or township,
you should contact the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments in
Washington, D.C., and ask to speak to a Citizen's Outreach
Representative who will look up the predetermined fine on
SYF/PS565612.
There is a $50 processing fee for any and all telephone queries
to the FDFA. Those wishing to charge the $50 fee can do so by making
three copies of forms SYEMF-1138, KSJU-387-SK, SKSP-90-EZ, and
SC-2389, along with computer code 0100010 and ACC-842, and forwarding
them to the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments Postal
Processing Center in Colorado Springs, CO.
Forms received by the FDFAPPC will be processed and returned to
applicants within six to eight weeks. Those who wish to have their
forms returned in less than six to eight weeks may file a Fiduciary
Calculation Acceleration Form 9056 at their local SYEMFPC.
FCAF-9056 forms will be available Monday to Tuesday between the
hours of 7:45 a.m. and 8:15 a.m., and are distributed on a first-come,
first-serve basis. Completed forms should be returned to the FDFA in
Washington, DC. All FCAF-9056 forms that have not cleared
authentication via the FDFA in Washington, DC, will be rendered null
and void, and will not be forwarded to the FDFAPPC in Colorado
Springs.
Applicants who misdirect their FCAF-9056 forms will draw a $10
per SYEMF-1138 fine. The fine must be paid within 36 hours, or the
applicant will be subject to house arrest and strip-search by the
Armed Outreach Response Team, an independently operated division of
the Screw You Outreach Consortium.
_________________________________________________________________
BACK * 22 April 1998
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1998-04-27 (Sun, 26 Apr 1998 17:19:25 -0700 (PDT)) - Screw You Packet - Illuminatus Primus <vermont@gate.net>