From: "Toto" <toto@sk.sympatico.ca>
Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 19:10:33 -0700 (PDT)
To: "CypherPunks" <cypherpunks@toad.com>
Subject: April Fool ! / Off-schedule, off-topic, or out-of-sync?
Message-ID: <001701bd6100$d9911460$2c62a58e@uymfdlvk>
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  Strange things happen when one gets sucked into a BlackHole TimeWarp
filled with imaginary Outlaw Quarks and PseudoReptilian Identity-Bots.
  When this happens, and you just have to *tell* somebody, there is nowhere
to turn except to the CypherPunks Disturbed Male List, where this kind of
thing seems to happen all the time, judging from the multi-dimensional
personalities displayed by various list members in both their 'consistent'
(hee-hee) and 'adjustable' list personas.

  I woke up this morning to discover that my world had been turned upside
down by the ancient ancestor and fortuitous forerunner of the Y2K Bug--the
H1H Mite.

  The H1H Mite, kissing cousin to the Snipe, exists only in men's minds
(hence its proximity to April 1st) but, like the infield-fly rule, it is
recognized as a living, breathing entity deserving of recognition,
regulation, and even it's own pseudo-jingle--"Spring forward, fall back."

  Having spent a good part of my life living in Arizona and Saskatchewan,
where we, like the sun, moon and stars, sit back on our lazy asses while the
majority of the world is springing forward and falling back through the
time-space continuum, I am used to watching huge masses of people 'gain' and
'lose' a piece of the solar time-pie to the Tick-Tock TimeWarp and jump
through the various hoops necessary to make certain that the Sacred Clock of
Tick-Tock is not fooled into shorting or longing (?) the various elements of
Sacred Time, such as paychecks, billing periods, interest charges, etc.

  When I saw my computer clock had 'sprung forward,' even though it does not
contain any of the springs and such which are historically an element of
Sacred Time, I took the time to jump into the appropriate area of my system
and hit it hard enough so that my clock 'fell back' to where Mother Nature
had intended for it to remain. I also took the time to solve my H1H Mite
problem by re-clicking the code-generated symbol which graphically
rearranges the rest of the virtual world so that the (GMT -6:00 No Daylight
Savings) Sacred TimeZone hovers over my computer and pronounces it to now
officially be in Saskatchewan, though I, personally, never saw it move.
  The H1H Mite did cost me a bit of time and trouble to eradicate, as well
as a small amount of computer resources, but,. enterprising genius that I
am, I did not lose the ranch, the family fortune, or even miss a meal, as a
result of the having to deal with the little critter on my own in-house
computer system. The effect of the H1H Mite on the part of my environment
which falls outside of my control, however, had potentially devastating
consequences.

  Upon waking this morning and checking Channel 10, which shows the
currently scheduled TV shows, I quickly noticed that the Preview Channel
Sacred Clock had 'sprung forward,' dragging the schedule along in its wake.
  The stability of my whole world was, as a result, thrown into complete
turmoil, and it was only a few hours later, when some Blessed Angel of Mercy
corrected the situation, that my world regained some semblance of normality.
Now I understood how the people who are used to watching Jerry Springer in
the mornings on WUHF-TV felt when the station moved the show to the
afternoon, in order to herd Jerry Springer fans into the trough next to
their Sacred Five O'Clock News feeding pen.
  The experience of turning to a certain channel to watch a 'listed' show
and stumbling into a BlackHole in which I was subjected to the sights and
sounds of unusual and/or unfamiliar combinations of electronic bytes flying
by had struck such terror into me that I now understood why Jerry Springer's
morning fans had deluged WUHF-TV with demands that the show be switched back
to its normal morning schedule. It also explained an event that I had
witnessed, and had thought rather 'normally bizarre' at the time, in terms
of the vulnerability of those addicted to the ElectronOpiate when threatened
with the disruption of their scheduled fix.

  The VicePres/GenMan of  WUHF-Detroit had, during an important, highlighted
Editorial Sight&Sound Byte, solemnly explained to the JerryJunkies that the
purpose of the time-move had been to prop up the station's Sacred Five
O'Clock NewsTeam, which apparently was not serving a 'slop' of sufficient
quality that would entice FreeRanging TVSheeple to be attracted to the
trough from wherever else they happened to be grazing at the time. He
proceeded to explain that they had moved their most popular feeding pen next
to their Sacred NewsFeed Trough in order to make the trough the easiest
choice for those who had not been sated by the physical and emotional
violence of the Jerry Springer Feeding Pen, and wanted to drink up the blood
and chew on the pieces of flesh thrown into the Sacred Five O'Clock News
Trough.
  What I found bizarre and troubling was that the BigShot then proceeded to
sound genuinely hurt that the station had--in moving the show back to its
morning time slaught (not a typo) out of a genuine concern arising from the
painful bleats of the many TVSheeple  who cried out to the station in agony
when their JSFix failed to arrive on time--somehow become 'victimized' in
the process.Taking a page or two out of the PBS fundraising encyclopaedia,
he pointed out that, in view of the fact that WUHF-TV had acted so
self-lessly in coming to the aid of those who the station was generously
providing with their MorningFix, that WeTheSheeple were now somehow
obligated to repay that generosity by getting their EveningFix from the
WUHF-TV connection, even if it meant leaving their current grazing area near
a NewsFeed Trough with superior swill, and supporting WUHF-TV's
EveningConnection, even though the NewsFix they provided would not provide a
NewsBuzz comparable to that of their competitors.
  Not only were the subliminal digital implants of the PBS GuiltMobile
blatantly being hijacked for the use of a commercial TV station, but the
BigShot from ProfitTV also invoked the unspoken VeiledThreat that, if the
TVJunkies failed to comply, there was the possibility that the Sheeple would
no longer have their JerrySpringerFix Connection to kick around any more.

  As a result of being tossed back and forth in unfamiliar virtual territory
as a result of the intrusion of the H1H Mite in my life, I found myself
objectively viewing the Sight&Sound Bytes that passed randomly through my
perceptive field, without benefit of the usual AutoProgrammed ThoughtHelper
spices been added to the mix of the slop being served up to my  normally
nondiscrimatorial palete.
  Thus it was that, not being preprogrammed and already caught up in the
'story' being promoted by the narrators of a women's tennis tournament in
South Africa, I was able to notice that the woman who lost the championship
match seemed to take it as a matter of stride when she came up short, as
well as the shit-eating grin she had on her face when the SecondGuy
expressed regret for having to hand her a check for only $60,000, and then
proceeded to give an unusually deep and prolonged advertising sound-byte for
the loser's skill, character, and value to her country.
  I also found myself able, not having been hypnotized into believing
anything the narrator's voices told me, to connect the dots between various
facts which quickly became obvious.
1. This was a Special Anniversary of  the Tournament.
2. This was the first time a homegrown Cinderella had won the tournament.
3. The Story Book Ending (TM) was worth a fortune to the club, country and
sponsers.
4. Cinderella had entered the tournament "to practice." She came out of
nowhere, to win.
5. Her opponent in the final committed 51 "unforced errors" in two short
sets.
6. Ms. Cinderella was backed by the deep pockets of Nike.

  I find it notable that the short reality-shock delivered by my cable
company's fumbling of the ball in dealing with the H1H Mite, for a
relatively short period of time, could result in my being roused from my
comfortable TVReality Slumber to the extent that I would be forced to use my
senses to interpret the information input being digitally transferred to my
brain, instead of having it automatically pre-categorized for insertion to
the proper VirtualReality Slot.
  The Automatic Doors of Perception slid open so widely that I could now
recognize the operation of universal human qualities and impulses which are
normally veiled from our consciousness by the fog of the repetitively banal
OfficialStory to which we are invariably subjected to by those we have
chosen as our RealityReporters, be they reporters, columnists, advertisers,
spin-doctors, authority-figures, or whatever...
  In the disorientation of my Regular Programming (pardon the pun), I could
clearly see the same human quality of conscience, and impulse to confess,
that results in:
1. Criminals unexpectedly facing questioning by Mr. GoodGuy and Mr. BadGuy,
and letting leak details of the Forbidden Truth in regard to the crimes they
have committed because of the remaining vestiges of resistance that their
TrueSoul has to THE LIE.
2. Tennis champions unexpectedly thrown into the limelight letting leak the
fact that their victory was the direct result of their opponent's
unperterbed demeanor in handing them the championship on a silver platter.
Tournament Chairpersons being unable to speak a single sentence without some
unconscious reference to the tremendous promotional and monetary benefit
resulting from Cinderella taking center stage in the GreatPlay which had
just been 'produced.'
3. TruthMongers with a history of laughing at the stupidity of the
AutoProgrammed Sheeple becoming so shell-shocked and disoriented by a minor
disruption of their normal routine that they let leak the fact that they are
merely a member of an equally programmed Sheeple of One Cult which considers
itself to be a cut above those who the MindMasters are carving into steaks
in preparation for their being fed to the insatiable appetites of the
PowerMongers.

  All of which leads me to wonder:
1. If the minor glitches resulting from the H1H Mite are capable of such
radical reorientation of the Automatic Doors of Perception in an Elite
Sheeple such as myself, then what will be the capacity of a vastly more
encompassing Millennium bug for causing members of the Great Herd to lose
their bearings and turn into a disoriented, scattered mass so desperate for
a Savior (TM) to show them back to their comfortable feeding pens that they
are willing to ignore the slaughter houses being built beside them.
2. How many of the Sheeple, forced by circumstances to look up from the
feeding trough, will notice what big eyes and teeth the SheepHerders have,
and realize that their self-interests might be better served by engaging in
an evolutionary mutation into a more predatorial species.
3. Will a Silver Bullet kill a Vampire Clock which sucks an hour out of
Sacred Time?
4. How many Silver Bullets does it take to kill a Millennium Bug?

"Harassment and oppression are a small price to pay for living in the land
of the free."
 ~ Nuclear PowerMonger (Homer's boss, on 'The Simpsons')

~~~~
Toto  <toto@sk.sympatico.ca>
~~~~
"The Xenix Chainsaw Massacre"
http://bureau42.base.org/public/xenix

"WebWorld & the Mythical Circle of Eunuchs"
http://bureau42.base.org/public/webworld

"InfoWar -- The Digital Revolution"
http://bureau42.base.org/public/infowar3

"Space Aliens Hide My Drugs"
http://bureau42.base.org/public/sahmd